During a contentious pre-planning Zoom meeting for Cardboard*Con 2021, Elon Musk changed cardboard immunology forever. Musk, the self-appointed Director of the non-existent Research & Development Track said “Let’s get back to normal”, then did the unthinkable. Taking advantage of the host’s unfamiliarity with the Zoom interface, Musk proceeded to hijack the meeting. He began sharing his screen and running a 28 minute PowerPoint presentation for a radical new boxplay helmet design he described as a “CoronaBox 19”. While our intrepid CNN reporters were unable to obtain his actual PowerPoint file, they did walk away with a few details and images.
Before the host could reclaim control of the meeting Elon Musk was able to display an early prototype of the CoronaBox 19 in a sophisticated 360 degree panoramic video, which we have obtained for our viewers (see below).
“Enormous” View Screen
The CoronaBox 19 affords a wide-angle view screen, the largest we’ve ever seen – surpassing the Mark IV Eyes Wide design of 2017 by more than 500%. Detractors of Musk argue this new design might constitute an entirely new class of boxplay helmet – the Mark V.
Saran Wrap seals the view screen, thus protecting the wearer from virus-laden spittle. Trade-offs appear to include an increased thermal load (up to 10Fº warmer). Due to weight considerations, passive cooling is necessary. An array of toilet paper vents on the top of the helmet provide the desired solution.
Fart Chimneys (FARCHI)
Defined as “Fart Chimneys” by Musk, the toilet paper tubes solve multiple boxplay issues in one fell swoop; from heat to self-created bodily fumes. By the look of things, there is one main equalization FARCHI on the wearer’s rear right, and a pair of exhaust FARCHIs on the wearer’s rear left, the latter of which feature exhaust flaps to keep the system pressurized when not in use.
The Main Intake Tube (MIT)
The Main Intake Tube (MIT) is a paper towel tube running horizontally across the front of the helmet. The MIT features paper towel sheets wadded up and stuffed into either end of the tube, with a common intake port cut into the tube..
While paper towel sheets are powerless to stop the passage of viruses, their horizontal configuration and increased distance from the wearer’s mouth will confuse and tire any viruses that do manage to get sucked into the MIT.Elon Musk (the Custodian, not the Billionaire)
The Cardboard*Con Organizing Committee have roundly condemned Elon Musk and his CoronaBox 19 as “absolute garbage which provides absolutely no health benefits to the wearer besides the delicious taste of German-Mexican lager”.
Nobody believes the CoronaBox 19 helmet design will prevent the spread of Covid-19, but it’s the best they have.