The Cardboard News Network has obtained footage of a bizarre telephone call regarding the upcoming 2019 Dragon Con parade. According to a man identifying himself as Bob Lumpkin, a volunteer with the Dragon Con parade. Mister Lumpkin reports that the convention is set to make several safety improvements this year, spurred by the recent Legionnaires Disease outbreak at the Atlanta Sheraton.
“A lot of these costumes that people are wearing get really hot and sweaty, and with the outbreak of Legionnaires disease over at the Sheraton we’re worried that there’s going to be some cross-contamination, so we’re trying to get everyone to wear costumes that are free – that are, uh, exposed to breathe and air, so they don’t get – that air doesn’t get in there and suffocate and fester, and make more…. you know, Legionnaires disease.”
Bob Lumpkin, confused volunteer
Unbelievable Changes to Dragon Con
Some of the items that Mr. Lumpkin discussed include:
- setting up hygiene stations, with toothbrushes
- buckets of lime staged around the convention that attendees can apply under their arms to reduce body odors
- Lumpkin singled out cardboard because it “does not breathe” [perpetuating a longstanding accusation about our culture, which is probably true, honestly]
- getting rid of wet crotches
- nobody at Dragon Con bathes – “it’s a smell pit”
Plan 1: “Swapping” the Parade
The next thing Mr. Lumpkin suggested is absolutely mind-bending: reversing the way the parade works – not its direction, but its mechanics. According to Lumpkin, under the new plan, parade participants would stand still along the sidewalk the parade attendees would walk down the street to look at all of them.
Plan 2: Pre-Record the Parade
Lumpkin then advanced yet another possibility: holding the parade on Friday, filming it, then broadcasting it on large LCD screens on Saturday.
First Time Volunteer
The conversation finally revealed that Bob Lumpkin is a first time volunteer at the Dragon Con parade and the event’s director is unaware of Lumpkin’s plans.
The Cardboard News Network apologizes for any confusion this story may have caused.